I’m Jealous


I know it’s not right to be jealous and I try not to be, but I would be a liar if I said that I wasn’t I’m jealous sometimes.


I’m jealous of those who are sick for only a day. I’m jealous of people who can work.
I’m jealous of those who have even the slightest opportunity to have children. I’m jealous that they even have the CHOICE!
I’m jealous of those who can work out for 6 days in a row and rest on Sunday. I’m jealous of those who can take road trips and be in a car for more than 20 minutes without freaking out. I’m jealous of those who are either not taking any medication or are only taking medications that equal less than a double digit number.
I’m jealous of those with small chests, which is something I never thought I would say! I’m jealous of people who can have the energy to do whatever they want, whenever they want. I’m jealous of people who can use their entire body. I’m jealous of those who don’t have to be protective of their body as though it’s made of glass because I know that I will live the rest of my life protecting my body as though it were a fragile baby.
I’ll never get to work out my core, have six-pack abs and look like a rock star. I know that I’ll never be the teeny, tiny little girl that I used to be because my body is forever changed. I’m jealous that I’ve got the body of a 90 year old even though I’m only 31. While most people my age are out partying, having fun and can be carefree, I’m sitting here sorting out my medications for the week. I’m thinking about what appointments I have, about insurance and what needs to be done before the end of the year. I’m thinking about the cost of insurance going up next year and about what specialists need to be seen, what tests need to be done…being sick as a full-time job and I’m jealous that this is the job that I have. I don’t have something awesome like other people do. I don’t get to travel and take awesome photos in amazing random places to share with the world.
I get to sit here like a bump on a log and care for my ailing self all day, everyday.
I’m jealous of people who get to go one single day falling off the wagon of their liquid intake and being fine. If I miss even the slightest, I’m down and out for at least a week and half the time the doctor wants to send me to the infusion center for IV fluids.
I always knew that I was special, different and the exception to the rule,  but this is not what I had in mind.

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