For What Binds Us

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For What Binds Us
Jane Hirshfield, 1953

 

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they’ve been set down—
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There’s a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest-

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric that nothing can tear or mend.

 

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Beautifully Broken

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“She made broken look beautiful & strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders & made it look like a pair of wings.” – Ariana Dancu

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Caps VS Panthers

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Last night, my husband & I watched the hockey game. Per usual, we watched the warm ups & opening.

Last night was intense to say the least. They began with a song & dedication to the fallen students & teachers of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

Watching the photos of the fallen scroll by with their names, their ages & a very short description of them was heartbreaking. Watching the grown men of the Florida hockey team & the Florida fans in the crowd (the game was in Florida) cry had me in tears.

They had spot lights on the ice & in each circle was the name of a fallen person.

It was a tragically beautiful ceremony, not to mention the little boy who sang, “God Bless America,” since they haven’t been televising the National Anthem.

It was an incredibly emotional opening ceremony. But because of openings like these & the many, many other things the NHL does to support it’s community, I will be a hockey fan for as long as they are so amazing.

God Bless America y’all! 🇺🇸

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STOP – You Don’t Know

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You don’t look sick.

You don’t seem anxious.

You don’t act depressed.

What are these weird diseases you are talking about? Are they real?

Yoga and cannabis oil will fix everything.

Do you really spend that much time on the toilet? That seems extensive.

Why do you share so much? Do you want attention?

Do you really think you’re helping anyone with your “journey?”

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WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. BACK THE BEEP UP. YOU DON’T ME.

Turn my body inside out, I’m sicker than you could probably ever imagine. I don’t seem anxious or act depressed? Well, there IS a computer screen between us. A face-to-face meeting would change your mind in a heartbeat. YES, these diseases are real and I indeed have them. Don’t read my entire blog for the information I’ve shared about them? Look them up. It ain’t purdy.

I will NOT use cannabis anything. It’s a personal choice. I’m not judging others for using the oils, so don’t judge me for not. It’s not something I’m interested in.

Yes, I’m on the toilet A LOT! Thanks for asking 🙂

I share because YES, people have reached out to me saying that sharing my story and my “journey” has helped them. It’s got nothing to do with attention. I’m a real woman. If I want attention, I will ask.

Step back, think first and then speak – if you must.

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This Week & My Reality

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This week is going to be insanely busy for me. My anxiety is already through troposphere just thinking about it.

Three appointments. One that is absurdly out of the way (thank the good Lord above that my husband & mother-in-law will be with me), one that is right up the road, but about a VERY SERIOUS health issue & one that is somewhere I’ve never been before (again, thank the good Lord that my husband will be able to take me).

Out of everything going on right now (preparing for my disability hearing, having tests done in preparation for a hysterectomy & Barotholin gland removal, booking an appointment with a psycho doctor, etc) the thing hanging over my head is knowing that I WILL, at some point, need a liver transplant.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s some scary business & I’m not talking just for me. Everything I go through, my husband goes through in his own way. I don’t like it. I can’t take whatever ous thrown my way, I’ve been proving that over & over. It’s so unfair to him though. Yeah, it’s unfair to me as well, but he is the one I worry about.

My reality? I’m not going to get better…this is my life, one battle after another – forever.

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No Pity Party Please

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Everyone else seems to have these amazing plans & things to look forward to. But here I am, meeting with my disability lawyer, juggling appointments & feeling atrocious. I literally cannot think of one thing I’m genuinely looking forward to.

I am so incredibly happy for everyone & I wish them NOTHING but amazingness! I just wish I could get a little bit of that amazing sprinkled on me.

Things are just steadily getting worse for me & it’s so much to take on. I’m overall worn out. I really don’t to start throwing myself pity parties though.

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I Can Do This

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Welp…
It looks like the cancer was one the verge of spreading but we caught it in time. However, there is great concern & at my follow-up in January, we will be discussing a surgical plan for a hysterectomy. I will be a high risk patient & this won’t be easy.
I was also just diagnosed with “Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis” Another autoimmune disease. No cure.

I don’t need or want sympathy. But I will take any & all prayers from anyone whom is willing to provide. 💔

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