When I think back at how my life was when I was eighteen & I compare it to what it is today…WORLDS APART.
Eighteen years old. In a lot of ways, I had independence, but I didn’t. I was working full time plus overtime, I was in school (college) full time, & I was in a relationship. I had independence in the sense that I was working & making really great money. I was officially in college & making strides in my educational career. I was in my first REAL relationship. Everything was exactly as I wanted it untill…
…the realization that I was in a domestically violent relationship finally hit me.
I’m right at turning twenty years old & after the worst fight to date, things finally clicked in my brain. Being called every degrading name known to man, being made to feel smaller than the tiniest ant ever, & most of all, after being body slammed to the floor (again), it all hit me. What am I doing? All of this was happening because of jealousy. All of this was happening over the smallest, insignificant things & I did NOT deserve any of it. Was I one hundred percent innocent in all of this, no. But when you’re with someone who is four years older, twice your size & has the maturity of a child, something isn’t right. He should’ve only been loving me, helping me learn & grow, shedding wisdom, respecting me, & happy to be with me! I was happy to be with him. I loved him more than anything. He was my first REAL love. But I had to get out & the downside of your first real love…is experiencing your first real broken heart.
Making the decision to walk away was hands-down one of the hardest, yet bravest things I’ve ever had to do.
I moved. It was the only way I knew how to end the cycle of UNHEALTHY chaos. I had to put distance between us or I’d be stuck on the merry-go-round from hell for who knows how long. I had to find a new job. I had to transfer all of my school stuff. But worst of all, I had to find myself & then put myself back together again, because when I looked in the mirror, I had NO IDEA who was looking back at me.
I’m thirty-one now. I’m still broken & scarred. I’m still haunted by the demons & ghosts of being with him. I’m still trying to find the Kerry I was before him & trying to mesh her with the Kerry I am now.
So much has changed since I was twenty. I spent the entire decade of my twenties chronically ill. I’m still chronically ill & things are getting worse. I can’t work anymore due to being sick. I don’t have the independence I once had. I despise the body that I have now…it’s constantly battling itself. I have autoimmune diseases. I have mental diseases. I have additional chronic ailments & trust me when I say, it is a FULL TIME JOB just being me. I have no relationship with anyone in my immediate family.
But I also have the most amazing husband anyone could ask for. He has been by my side literally ONE HUNDRED percent & since day one of being sick. He loves me for me, broken & scarred. He takes care of me & I take care of him. I’m in a HEALTHY marriage that is almost nine years strong. I have an amazing set of in-laws (siblings & all!). I have a roof over my head, fur children who love me unconditionally, & so many accomplishments I can call my own. Completely mine.
Things are hard for me on a daily basis, but would I trade my past experiences & my ailments I battle today to save myself from the ugliness that comes with it all? No way. Absolutely not. I am who I am today BECAUSE of everything in my past & all that I deal with today & everyday & to be completely honest, I like who I am today. I’m still learning to love the parts of me that aren’t as I’d like them to be & everyday I’m getting stronger & better at it.
I’m blessed. ♡ Point blank.
This is just a tiny view of my life. Teeny, tiny.
“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.” – Shannon L. Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late
“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.” – Stephen Richards, Cosmic Ordering: You can be successful like
“You are essentially who you create yourself to be and all that occurs in your life is the result of your own making.” – Stephen Richards, Think Your way to Success: Let Your Dreams Run Free
“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” – Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead
“Learn to deal with the fact that you are not a perfect person but you are a person that deserves respect and honesty.” – Pandora Poikilos, Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out
#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Past #Now #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Sick #Pain #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Dehydration #ExocrinePancreaticInsufficiency #EPI #UlcerativeColitis #UC #JPouch #Melanoma #Blog #Blogger #Blogging #DomesticViolence #QOTD #POTD #Strong