All Year Round

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October is ALWAYS hard, but to be honest…my heart is broken all year round.
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#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #ARMY #SupportOurTroops #America #USA #Patriot #Patriotic #Always #FallenButNotForgotten #LoveYou #MissYou #OperationIraqiFreedom #Fallen #Angel #GodBlessAmerica #Specialist #October #BrokenHeart #Follow #FOREVER #Cousin #Cousins #Wings #Heart

Massachusetts-Day Four

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Oh my wow! We went full on.
We got up super early, got breakfast, headed back to the room to get myself straight after eating & then made or way to Salem.

First challenge, parking. Ai, yi, yi! After finding a place, we headed to the mall area for some much needed H2O. Then it was off to the Witch Trials Museum. Pretty interesting! After that, we headed to the Witch Dungeon Museum. This place was so incredibly educational & scared the junk out of me! I’m super afraid of mannequins. We learned how the accused witches were treated, what they experienced, the sizes of the cells in the dungeon, what happened to the prisoners that were finally freed…wow, wow, wow. I think the Dungeon Museum was both hubs & my favorite museum we visited.

The last place we went to was, The Witch House. This museum was also pretty interesting. I leaned a LOT by the ways of medicinal practices & let me just say, thank you Lord for making me wait to experience life until 1986! WOW-ZAS!

The fact that it was chilly & rainy made for a difficult day & we didn’t get to walk around & experience too much of Salem itself. Definite bummer. I’m a closeted architecture lover & I was living the buildings! Being in an old historic town like Salem made me think of Fredericksburg (where I grew up) in a good way. I LOVE older buildings.

We grabbed pizza on the way back to the hotel & chilled out. We woke up early & peaced of MA quick! No offense, but I’m thinking Massachusetts was a one & done.

I enjoyed the visit. It was educational & fun  but man-oh-man body is displeased right now & I NEVER thought I’d miss Virginia like I did!

We bounced out bright & early Friday morning to head home. I’m so happy to see my babies & to use my own toilet! Home sweet home baby!

P.S. I weighed myself before we left & worked myself when I got home & I lost ONE pound!

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#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Like #Massachusetts #Salem #Witches #Boston #Baseball #Travel #Explore #Educate #Virginia #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Exhausted #Experience #Difficult #Home #Happy #Blog #Blogging #Blogger

Massachusetts-Day One

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Monday May 22, 2017
Day One

After a LONG drive (over ten hours), we’re in Massachusetts (from Virginia)!

My husband, Doug, is amazing! He drove the whole way. But on top of all that, coming up north is not something he ever really wanted to do. However, he knows it’s sobering I’ve been longing to do since we first met.

This is over first getaway ALONE since we’re been married (going on EIGHT years)! How crazy is that?

A few things we for sure have planned ate going to be amaging! We’re going to hit up the Salem Witch Trials stuff, ferry on up to Maine for some lobster, art museums & more!

I’m praying to get through this week workout any major medical chaos.

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I want to see the world.
#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Like #Boston #Salem #MA #Massachusetts #Witch #WitchCraft #Creepy #History #Adventure #Travel #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Praying #Good #Follow #Blogging #Blogger #Blog

New Patient

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Ooooooookay…
I’m a nerd & love busywork. I like paperwork. I know, “cray-cray.” But when it comes time to fill out health related paperwork, WHOMP, WHOMP! It gets stressful, I won’t lie. I have to list all of my ailments & medications…really? Hospital stays? Surgeries & dates?

I’m happy I remembered to put on underwear & that my socks match.

Oy vey…

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#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Health #Illness #Surgery #Surgeries #Nerd #NerdAlert #Paperwork #Busy #Doctor #Skin #Cancer #Melanoma #Dermatology #Dermatologist #Ugh #Anxious #Anxiety #NoFun #BrainFart #Follow #Blogging #Blogger #Blog

Who I’m Becoming

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My life…wow.

When I think back at how my life was when I was eighteen & I compare it to what it is today…WORLDS APART.

Eighteen years old. In a lot of ways, I had independence, but I didn’t. I was working full time plus overtime, I was in school (college) full time, & I was in a relationship. I had independence in the sense that I was working & making really great money. I was officially in college & making strides in my educational career. I was in my first REAL relationship. Everything was exactly as I wanted it untill…

…the realization that I was in a domestically violent relationship finally hit me.

I’m right at turning twenty years old & after the worst fight to date, things finally clicked in my brain. Being called every degrading name known to man, being made to feel smaller than the tiniest ant ever, & most of all, after being body slammed to the floor (again), it all hit me. What am I doing? All of this was happening because of jealousy. All of this was happening over the smallest, insignificant things & I did NOT deserve any of it. Was I one hundred percent innocent in all of this, no. But when you’re with someone who is four years older, twice your size & has the maturity of a child, something isn’t right. He should’ve only been loving me, helping me learn & grow, shedding wisdom, respecting me, & happy to be with me! I was happy to be with him. I loved him more than anything. He was my first REAL love. But I had to get out & the downside of your first real love…is experiencing your first real broken heart.

Making the decision to walk away was hands-down one of the hardest, yet bravest things I’ve ever had to do.

I moved. It was the only way I knew how to end the cycle of UNHEALTHY chaos. I had to put distance between us or I’d be stuck on the merry-go-round from hell for who knows how long. I had to find a new job. I had to transfer all of my school stuff. But worst of all, I had to find myself & then put myself back together again, because when I looked in the mirror, I had NO IDEA who was looking back at me.

I’m thirty-one now. I’m still broken & scarred. I’m still haunted by the demons & ghosts of being with him. I’m still trying to find the Kerry I was before him & trying to mesh her with the Kerry I am now.

So much has changed since I was twenty. I spent the entire decade of my twenties chronically ill. I’m still chronically ill & things are getting worse. I can’t work anymore due to being sick. I don’t have the independence I once had. I despise the body that I have now…it’s constantly battling itself. I have autoimmune diseases. I have mental diseases. I have additional chronic ailments & trust me when I say, it is a FULL TIME JOB just being me. I have no relationship with anyone in my immediate family.

But I also have the most amazing husband anyone could ask for. He has been by my side literally ONE HUNDRED percent & since day one of being sick. He loves me for me, broken & scarred. He takes care of me & I take care of him. I’m in a HEALTHY marriage that is almost nine years strong. I have an amazing set of in-laws (siblings & all!). I have a roof over my head, fur children who love me unconditionally, & so many accomplishments I can call my own. Completely mine.

Things are hard for me on a daily basis, but would I trade my past experiences & my ailments I battle today to save myself from the ugliness that comes with it all? No way. Absolutely not. I am who I am today BECAUSE of everything in my past & all that I deal with today & everyday & to be completely honest, I like who I am today. I’m still learning to love the parts of me that aren’t as I’d like them to be & everyday I’m getting stronger & better at it.

I’m blessed. ♡ Point blank.

This is just a tiny view of my life. Teeny, tiny.

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.” – Shannon L. Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late

“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.” – Stephen Richards, Cosmic Ordering: You can be successful like

“You are essentially who you create yourself to be and all that occurs in your life is the result of your own making.” – Stephen Richards, Think Your way to Success: Let Your Dreams Run Free

“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” – Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

“Learn to deal with the fact that you are not a perfect person but you are a person that deserves respect and honesty.” – Pandora Poikilos, Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out

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#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Past #Now #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Sick #Pain #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Dehydration #ExocrinePancreaticInsufficiency #EPI #UlcerativeColitis #UC #JPouch #Melanoma #Blog #Blogger #Blogging #DomesticViolence #QOTD #POTD #Strong

The Alphabet

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“If plan ‘A’ didn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters!” Keep trying.

Well, I can tell you one thing for certain, I have been through the alphabet more than once and I’ve even tried it backwards.

Every-single-day for me is different. I never know what to expect. Making plans is one of the mostly challenging things for me because I’m so sick. However, even though I’ve tried and failed more times than I can remember, I will always keep trying.

I will always, always, alway #FightForIt and I will always, always, always find a #SilverLining in every situation. The only thing that can keep me down is gravity.

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#Boom #FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Like #Plan #Hard #ABC #Alphabet #KeepGoing #KeepTrying #KnowYourWorth #NeverGiveUp

Reflection

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WARNING
“Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed standards of beauty.”

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

When looking back to the way my body was before I got sick, was on immune suppresants (oral and IV), LOADS of steroids, many procedures, a LOT of down time from multiple surgeries…I feel like the dumbest person on the planet.

I was weighing less than one hundred pounds and still rocking kid’s clothes when I was twenty years old for Pete’s sake!

I can’t believe I thought I was fat. I would look in the mirror and cry.

RIGHT? I thought I was fat. I hated my body.

Today, I look in the mirror and still cry, but for different reasons. I see a completely different person.

“If I knew then what I know now…”

I don’t cry because of my stretch marks and my double digit amount of scars because to me, they’re reminders of what I’ve been through, continue to go through and they remind me that I am stronger than I EVER thought was possible. In fact, I find them beautiful.

I cry because I see this body I never thought I’d have. I see fat. I see cellulite. I see a huge chest, stomach, arms, legs and butt and I would give almost ANYTHING to have the body I hated before back now.

All I want is to be able to look into the mirror and at least say out loud, “I look alright.” I will settle for “alright.”

My sense of self-image is terrible and one hundred percent unhealthy. It always has been, but again, in different ways now. I would be lying if I said I didn’t look at other women and get jealous. I am SO happy they’re gorgeous and rocking it! However, I wish I had a body I could be proud of as well.

Even though I had multiple surgeries that were “supposed to help,” they really haven’t. Actually, in a lot of ways, I’m worse off now. Because of my MANY medical ailments, working out and losing weight is damn near impossible. I DO NOT lack motivation! I lack the physical abilities to do what I once could.

So every time I look in the mirror, I see something that apparently is completely different than what other people see. Others tell me I’m beautiful and strong. They see happiness and positivity. I don’t see any of that.

I do compare myself to others at times and I hate it, because I know better. I know that what is good for someone else may not be what is good for me. We’re all different and I happen to be super different. I know that God made me the way He did for a reason and when I really stop to think about it…in a sense, I’m being disrespectful to God and to myself. My journey is my own. It was given to me by God and It is TREMENDOUSLY different from the average.

I keep these words regarding society and self-image close to remind myself that comparing myself to others only does harm. I need to focus on KERRY. No one else. I’m not beautiful like others. I am beautiful like me.

Remind yourself every-single-day that YOU are beautiful…no matter what circumstances you find yourself in and remember that comparison is a thief.

Don’t let your reflection become distorted.

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#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Like #Warning #Self #Image #SelfImage #Reflection #Mirror #See #KnowYourWorth #Beauty #Beautiful #Compare #Comparison #Thief #Distortion #Remind #Remember #Sick #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Daily #Faith