When I was twenty years old, I was officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was prescribed depression medications and BAM…the see-saw ride of my body changing began. I gained weight. On top of gaining weight, I became a zombie that didn’t care about anything anymore, so I asked to be switched to a different medication. Thank goodness it was a medication that helped, I was able to work off the weight and I turned back into a human again.
But this was just the beginning of the story that is still being written. My body is still in mad chaos but now, I have zero control over it. I’m thirty-two years old now and over the years, I’ve managed to acquire one medical ailment on top of another, on top of another, on top of another and so on. I’m on medications for ailments and then I’m on medications to counteract the side effects of the original medications and my body is reacting in so many ways and it’s absurd. My body is reacting both inside and out. The most infuriating part of all of it is me not having any say in the matter. I’m helpless and honestly, I feel hopeless most of the time.
I cry almost daily. I look in the mirror and I wonder, where did Kerry go? I don’t recognize the person I see and I know I will never see the person I was before all of this started. I just wonder if I will ever see someone I can be happy with or at least satisfied with. Until then, I suppose I will continue with my daily routine of crying as I see my reflection.
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