I’m told by a lot of people that I am strong, brave and graceful.
I don’t feel like any of those things most of the time. I feel like a walking disaster.
Being chronically ill is so complicated. Being chronically ill due to multiple ailments is incredibly complicated. The word “complicated” doesn’t do this life I live justice.
Life is hard, period. However, living with numerous things you can’t change is even harder. I literally live my life trying to stay alive. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Keeping myself together is a fulltime job and it is NOT EASY.
I wish greatly that I could go back to life before sickness took over, but I don’t even remember what it was like because it was so long ago. I truly don’t remember life NOT being sick. Every time I think about it I feel pathetic. I’ve got to remind myself that pity parties don’t accomplish anything. I’m doing the best I can with the hand I was given and doing the best I can is all I can do.
There are times where I am so sick, that a stretch of days pass by before I can do the slightest of tasks. Dishes get left in the sink for days, laundry piles up, my list of things to do grows and grows and I can’t do anything about it. I feel incredibly guilty a lot of the time. My husband reminds me that these things happen and none of it is my fault. He tells me not to worry or stress and things will get done when they get done.
The guilt doesn’t vanish because of how amazing he is though.
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