Reflection

Standard

WARNING
“Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed standards of beauty.”

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

When looking back to the way my body was before I got sick, was on immune suppresants (oral and IV), LOADS of steroids, many procedures, a LOT of down time from multiple surgeries…I feel like the dumbest person on the planet.

I was weighing less than one hundred pounds and still rocking kid’s clothes when I was twenty years old for Pete’s sake!

I can’t believe I thought I was fat. I would look in the mirror and cry.

RIGHT? I thought I was fat. I hated my body.

Today, I look in the mirror and still cry, but for different reasons. I see a completely different person.

“If I knew then what I know now…”

I don’t cry because of my stretch marks and my double digit amount of scars because to me, they’re reminders of what I’ve been through, continue to go through and they remind me that I am stronger than I EVER thought was possible. In fact, I find them beautiful.

I cry because I see this body I never thought I’d have. I see fat. I see cellulite. I see a huge chest, stomach, arms, legs and butt and I would give almost ANYTHING to have the body I hated before back now.

All I want is to be able to look into the mirror and at least say out loud, “I look alright.” I will settle for “alright.”

My sense of self-image is terrible and one hundred percent unhealthy. It always has been, but again, in different ways now. I would be lying if I said I didn’t look at other women and get jealous. I am SO happy they’re gorgeous and rocking it! However, I wish I had a body I could be proud of as well.

Even though I had multiple surgeries that were “supposed to help,” they really haven’t. Actually, in a lot of ways, I’m worse off now. Because of my MANY medical ailments, working out and losing weight is damn near impossible. I DO NOT lack motivation! I lack the physical abilities to do what I once could.

So every time I look in the mirror, I see something that apparently is completely different than what other people see. Others tell me I’m beautiful and strong. They see happiness and positivity. I don’t see any of that.

I do compare myself to others at times and I hate it, because I know better. I know that what is good for someone else may not be what is good for me. We’re all different and I happen to be super different. I know that God made me the way He did for a reason and when I really stop to think about it…in a sense, I’m being disrespectful to God and to myself. My journey is my own. It was given to me by God and It is TREMENDOUSLY different from the average.

I keep these words regarding society and self-image close to remind myself that comparing myself to others only does harm. I need to focus on KERRY. No one else. I’m not beautiful like others. I am beautiful like me.

Remind yourself every-single-day that YOU are beautiful…no matter what circumstances you find yourself in and remember that comparison is a thief.

Don’t let your reflection become distorted.

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