Life is All Backwards

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Being sick constantly is more difficult than I could ever explain. The daily routine of someone who deals with what I do is not routine at all. It’s chaos & madness. It’s confusing, depressing, painful, exhausting, disappointing, RIDICULOUSLY inconvenient, & more.
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I’ve always been the go-getter. I’ve always been the high-strung girl who could accomplish anything & everything she set her mind to. I prided myself on my independence & self-sufficiency.
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Now, absolutely everything is backwards.
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Everyday is a guessing game & how I’m feeling can switch as quickly as the blink of an eye. Asking for help has NEVER been my forte. I never needed to ask for help for anything before. In August of 2014, one of the worst possible things happened to my sense of self. I got fired. Me. Fired.
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I started working when I was 13. I’ve always been a great employee, gone above & beyond what was expected of me, constantly learned new things so I could be even better, & I LOVED working. I’m genuinely someone who loves working. I love accomplishment & the sense of a job well done. Getting fired was terrible. The “official reason” is because I was unable to perform my duties to the best of my ability or some junk like that. The real reason is because I’m sick. I couldn’t go into the office. They couldn’t watch me 24/7. They couldn’t babysit me. We had the technology & ability for me to be able to work from home & that was perfect! But when management changed, so did the job, & so did the level of caring for their employees. Things were made harder on me on purpose. There were people who wanted me gone BECAUSE I’m different now. They didn’t think I should be given “special treatment.”
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Well, news flash people! There is nothing special about becoming a hermit. There is nothing special about not being able to dress up, look adorable, get out of the house, mingle with humans, & lead a “normal” life.
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I wasn’t sitting at home eating Bonbons. I was plugged into the same network as everyone else, working like everyone else, & trying my hardest to make it through the day.
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I physically can’t do a lot of what I used to. I can’t sleep a while night through, uninterrupted. I literally sleep maybe an hour (TOPS) at a time. Most days, I’m running on empty because I couldn’t sleep at all. I HAVE to be near restrooms. It sucks, it’s inconvenient, it’s embarrassing…but that’s what it is. I’m dealing with so much at such a young age. Rheumatoid Arthritis isn’t just for the elderly. It’s kicking in big time for me. I’m chronically dehydrated. My body doesn’t hold in anything like it’s suppose to & there for, I’m always dehydrated & malnourished. Exhaustion. It’s a mix of everything. U/C, RA, anemia, dehydration…I literally have doctor’s orders to nap. I’m basically 80 years old.
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Not being able to do things others can sucks-bad. I’ve missed out on so much & continue to do so. I’ve missed family reunions, birthdays, graduations…the last just keeps going. Those are moments & memories I’ll never know. Making plans & then having to cancel them last minute hurts like crazy. NO ONE is more disappointed in cancellations than I am. It hurts letting people down.
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I never asked for this & it’s certainly NOT what I had pictured for myself. I’ve missed the entire decade of my 20’s to being sick & the reality for me is that things will continue to slide downhill with time.
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There are things people do & say & take for granted that I witness every-single-day. No, I don’t say anything, but I’m definitely wishing they realized just how great things really are. Complaining of work? I would LOVE to work! Complaining of having to go grocery shopping? I haven’t been grocery shopping in…I don’t even know how long. Dislike coworkers? Hey, I only have my animals to talk to daily. Fed up with having to find work clothes? I would LOVE to be able to rock some of the insanely cute outfits I used to wear! Tired of your kids? I can’t have kids.
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There is so much I miss. There are so many things I wish I could still do. But I can’t. Plain & simple…I just can’t. Everytime I think I’m starting to get a handle on things, something new gets added to my overflowing plate.
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Be grateful.

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