Free But Stuck

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I’m all mixed up in my head right now. I can’t explain everything.

I’m unsure and sure at the same time. I regret nothing but have learned so much.

I’m not one to dwell, but some things I can’t let go of yet. They’re unfinished. Some things are absolutely finished and saying goodbye to them is amazing.

I’m free but stuck.

Darkness

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**Repost**

Is it the darkness or what you can’t see in the darkness that scares you?

#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Love #Like #QOTD #Quotes #Quote #POTD #Picture #Pictures #Darkness #Dark #Scared #Scare #Real #Reality #Light #True #Truth #Thought #Thoughts #Daily

Doug’s Anniversary Gift

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There are a lot of things I’d change about this song, but it’s real…flaws & all. This is a cover of Thompson Square’s “If I Didn’t Have You,” that was recorded by my brother-in-law Nick & myself. He played the guitar for it as well. Doug LOVES it. That’s all that matters. 💖

It’s the first time I’ve EVER recorded ANYTHING. DO NOT HATE!

Happy Anniversary Doug. I love you babe.

#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #Sing #Singing #Singer #Record #Recording #Music #Cover #ThompsonSquare #IfIDidntHaveYou #Anniversary #Duet #Love #Like #Gift #Marriage #Priceless #Blog #Blogger #Blogging

 

History’s Impact

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Ever since I was a “pre-teen” & read “The Diary of Anne Frank,” for the first time, a HUGE chunk of my heart has been captivated. It’s been captivated by her, by the horrific events that took place during WWII & The Holocaust.

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I’ve read countless books, autobiographies, historical information, visited museums, watched documentaries…and I still can’t fathom any of the chaos.

I don’t understand & I very highly doubt I ever will, but I’m my father’s daughter (hands down!) & history is so important to me. I want to know as much as possible. I will continue searching & learning. Most people roll their eyes when it comes to history, but I’m like a puppy who hears a dog whistle – my ears perk up & my eyes widen.

History IS important! If we don’t know what happened previously & try our hardest to make sense of it, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

When something tugs at your heart the way The Holocaust, WWII & Anne Frank have tugged at mine, it means you should look into it. It’s tugging for a reason. I haven’t discovered the reason my tug-of-war yet, but I won’t stop.

My family ancestry consists of  Scottish, Irish, Polish & German decent. So there is definitely some contradiction in there. I want to know about my ancestors. I started with my mom’s side, which is INCREDIBLY Polish & found that her mom lived in a tiny house in Pennsylvania with loads of relatives & spoke Polish during her childhood. The Depression was VERY hard on everyone & that was here in America. I have no idea what happened to our family back in Poland!

Who knows what else has happened within my family?

#FightForIt #SilverLining #My #Life #History #WWII #Holocaust #Important #Blog #Blogger #Blogging #Follow #Family #Heritage #Ancestry #Impact #AnneFrank #Knowledge

Coloring Anxiety

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Of all the things I’ve tried to help with my anxiety, “color by number” apps on my phone were not the answers I expected to accidently find.

They’re fun, they’re tedious, they get me to focus on the task that I’m doing and not everything else that is normally floating around in my head and they’re free.

Who’d a thunk?

So, I took some screenshots of some of the pictures I’ve completed, and I’ve got the names of the apps I’ve downloaded for those who may want to try it. I seriously recommend it!

“Pixel Art” & “No.Color”

These pictures are from “Pixel Art.”

These pictures are from “No.Color.”

I’m amazed at how much these apps have helped.

#FightForIt #SilverLining #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Insomnia #Health #Daily #Battle #App #Apps #Coloring #ColorByNumber #Phone #Therapy #Medicine #Medicinal #Free #Awesome #Helpful #Blog #Blogger #Blogging #Follow #Fun

Keeping Faith

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I get asked (A LOT) how it is that I remain so strong in my faith when I have so many bad things to face.

It’s called “faith” for a reason.

Dictionary.com defines “faith” with the following:

[feyth]

noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing:faith in another’s ability.

2. belief that is not based on proof:He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion:the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.:to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.:Failure to appear would be breaking faith.

7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one’s promise, oath, allegiance, etc.:He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.

8. Christian Theology.the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

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I don’t have to see God to know that He is real and I don’t have to know His plan to understand that He has one. Without suffering there can be no compassion. I know in my heart that there is a reason why I have been dealt the hand that I have been and I know that there’s a reason I’m going through everything that I am.

Ultimately, life is about staying strong & not straying from faith even when it seems like everything in your life is a big pile of poo. You don’t give up when things are bad. You don’t think God is false because things don’t go your way or you didn’t get what you asked for.

It’s all for a reason! Everything in life is part of HIS plan.

#FightForIt #SilverLining #Strong #Strength #Faith #God #Christian #Follow #Blogger #Blog #Blogging #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #Sick #Pain #Life #Time #Truth #Good #Steady

Where Did Kerry Go?

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When I was twenty years old, I was officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was prescribed depression medications and BAM…the see-saw ride of my body changing began. I gained weight. On top of gaining weight, I became a zombie that didn’t care about anything anymore, so I asked to be switched to a different medication. Thank goodness it was a medication that helped, I was able to work off the weight and I turned back into a human again.

But this was just the beginning of the story that is still being written. My body is still in mad chaos but now, I have zero control over it. I’m thirty-two years old now and over the years, I’ve managed to acquire one medical ailment on top of another, on top of another, on top of another and so on. I’m on medications for ailments and then I’m on medications to counteract the side effects of the original medications and my body is reacting in so many ways and it’s absurd. My body is reacting both inside and out. The most infuriating part of all of it is me not having any say in the matter. I’m helpless and honestly, I feel hopeless most of the time.

I cry almost daily. I look in the mirror and I wonder, where did Kerry go? I don’t recognize the person I see and I know I will never see the person I was before all of this started. I just wonder if I will ever see someone I can be happy with or at least satisfied with. Until then, I suppose I will continue with my daily routine of crying as I see my reflection.

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#FightForIt #SilverLining #Life #Chronic #Disease #Illness #Warrior #NoCure #Autoimmune #Cancer #Cervix #Melanoma #UlcerativeColitis #UC #JPouch #Exhausted  #Sick #Pain #EPI #ExocrinePancreaticInsufficiency #PSC #PrimarySclerosingCholangitis #Bladder #Migraine #Body #Image #Reflection #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD